He asked me if I "almost moaned"
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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