she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
