I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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