And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You are the jesus of drinking
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
