There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
