you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
