Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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