I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
All I want is dick and wine.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
