I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
