Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
