He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
