his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
