There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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