hotel room ftw
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
