do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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