I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
