A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
