I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
