i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
