Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
