I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
