FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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