his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
