If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
