Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
