maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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