No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
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