Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
