Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
