I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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