dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
