I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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