I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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