She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
