I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
