Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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