I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
