I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
