And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
