Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
