If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
