i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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