he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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