When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
