We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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