I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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