Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
