I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
