PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
