i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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