toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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