I want to have your abortion
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
