can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
