I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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